Thinking About the Race

So, I see that Republicans don’t think that Barack Obama can live up to his campaign promises if elected as the first black President. Hypocritical, always, but they do let you know what they’re thinking, at least at that moment.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking he really could improve racial unity, because he is so racially ambiguous. His middle name is Hussein – you can’t tell me that that’s the Ebonic spelling of Leroy. He studied the Constitution, which, as you know, is only done by green-card carrying Hispanics. He looks less like he’s from the hood than he does like Richie Cunningham sporting a summer tan from Miami. If this is the kind of black guy that makes Kentuckians nervous, Daniel Boone is rolling in his grave. Also, Obama says he’s helping the poor by giving tax breaks to the middle class. That’s WASP talk to me - has anyone tested his proficiency in Izzle yet? And as for having a racially-bred predisposition for athletics, did you see him at the bowling alley? Also, the only time I saw him grab his crotch was that shot of him when the National Anthem was playing, but even that wasn’t a “black” thing. Maybe he was hiding an overt response in a sensitive area brought on at the time by a rush of patriotism or by a daydream of whipping Hillary in a more literal manner with his less-literal whip. Maybe he was hiding an embarrassing pee spot caused by having to rush away from the urinals before the press could count his number of shakes or before another politician could offer him sex for a twenty. I’m just bothered that he didn’t have his hands farther down his thighs. If he wins, I’m going to use the Freedom of Information Act to learn the real truth about black men.

I’m also thinking that Obama will certainly be able to find the funding to pay for his reform programs. He’s probably already looking into how much he could get for offering up Texas as the new Palestinian state. Arabs don’t landscape their yards, they pick their own olives and they’re always up for a little border skirmish, so they’ll gladly include helping us solve some of our immigration problems in the deal. He could also get a lot of funding from Muslim extremists by offering them vacation packages here. Where else better for them to relax than in a land where you can complain freely about how much you hate America and Jews and meet others who do also? And if those plans don’t work out, he can post America on eBay. They do real estate transactions now.

But most of all I’m thinking that Obama should have no problem bringing both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to a speedy conclusion. Why not? After all, as the stereotypical black man in a white man’s world, his motto must be if you can’t beat them, join them.