Thinking About Secession

So, I hear that Rich Moyle, Commissioner of North Lauderdale, is proposing to divide Florida into two separate states. Secession is not an ideal opening gambit for solving political problems, but the City of Margate is the next to take up the issue, so you never know what these city politicians are thinking.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that Rich Moyle is absolutely right about the fact that we should be upset with the way money is being spent in this state. Right now, I’m very upset that one of our politicians has spent Florida taxpayer money by sending out 306 packets of a resolution that the author, Rich Moyle, admits is doomed to failure. Of course, he can always be proud of the money he saved by narrowly beating the deadline for the postal rate increase.

I’m thinking that one fact really stands out for me and it is this. The only part of the plan that has been thought about in any detail is the description of the proposed dividing line for the state. It leads me to believe that this line may possibly be a geological path of least resistance where their new state of South Florida can be chopped right off the continental shelf. Besides creating more oceanfront property, if they can tow their chunk more than three miles off the coast they’ve got an enormously lucrative floating casino. Also, they’ll be portable enough so when they get mad at the way the Federal Government is spending their money, they can just pack it all up and tugboat it elsewhere down the sea lane.

But most of all I’m thinking that if the state splits up, Democrats will have finally solved the problem of how to get the Florida delegates back into the Democratic National Convention and, at the same time, can satisfy their apparently never-ending lust for a voting do-over.

Thinking About the Race

So, I see that Republicans don’t think that Barack Obama can live up to his campaign promises if elected as the first black President. Hypocritical, always, but they do let you know what they’re thinking, at least at that moment.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking he really could improve racial unity, because he is so racially ambiguous. His middle name is Hussein – you can’t tell me that that’s the Ebonic spelling of Leroy. He studied the Constitution, which, as you know, is only done by green-card carrying Hispanics. He looks less like he’s from the hood than he does like Richie Cunningham sporting a summer tan from Miami. If this is the kind of black guy that makes Kentuckians nervous, Daniel Boone is rolling in his grave. Also, Obama says he’s helping the poor by giving tax breaks to the middle class. That’s WASP talk to me - has anyone tested his proficiency in Izzle yet? And as for having a racially-bred predisposition for athletics, did you see him at the bowling alley? Also, the only time I saw him grab his crotch was that shot of him when the National Anthem was playing, but even that wasn’t a “black” thing. Maybe he was hiding an overt response in a sensitive area brought on at the time by a rush of patriotism or by a daydream of whipping Hillary in a more literal manner with his less-literal whip. Maybe he was hiding an embarrassing pee spot caused by having to rush away from the urinals before the press could count his number of shakes or before another politician could offer him sex for a twenty. I’m just bothered that he didn’t have his hands farther down his thighs. If he wins, I’m going to use the Freedom of Information Act to learn the real truth about black men.

I’m also thinking that Obama will certainly be able to find the funding to pay for his reform programs. He’s probably already looking into how much he could get for offering up Texas as the new Palestinian state. Arabs don’t landscape their yards, they pick their own olives and they’re always up for a little border skirmish, so they’ll gladly include helping us solve some of our immigration problems in the deal. He could also get a lot of funding from Muslim extremists by offering them vacation packages here. Where else better for them to relax than in a land where you can complain freely about how much you hate America and Jews and meet others who do also? And if those plans don’t work out, he can post America on eBay. They do real estate transactions now.

But most of all I’m thinking that Obama should have no problem bringing both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to a speedy conclusion. Why not? After all, as the stereotypical black man in a white man’s world, his motto must be if you can’t beat them, join them.