Thinking About the Search For Bin-Laden

So, America hasn’t caught Osama Bin Laden yet. I guess our military is thinking that, although al-Qaeda holds online meetings and are still arranging incredibly successful suicide bombings, they have given up on imagining another plan to stop him.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that we made a big mistake giving Bin Laden’s driver such a light sentence. A harsher penalty would have made it much harder for Osama to find a new one. He may have had to settle for Princess Di’s ex-driver to fill the position. Or Lindsay Lohan. He may have even had to hitch a ride with one of his bombing teams. And, as you know, accidents will happen.

I’m thinking that Osama Bin Laden isn’t conducting a religious war as he claims. It’s obvious he just suffers from depression. Of course, he has every reason to be depressed. He comes from oil-rich Saudi Arabia and his family chose to go into the construction business. His mental illness has turned out to be a help in his war, though. He’s been able to recruit a lot of personnel from his depression support group. He likes to hire them because he’s free to embezzle their pension funds. But the aggression of his bevy of suicidal women could solely be due to PMS or, worse, menopause. American planes could try air-dropping Midol, diuretics, and anti-depressants. Prescription drugs are really cheap at Wal-Mart, so think of the reduction to the war debt. And if the pills don’t end the bombings completely, they may at least stall them until the following month.

I’m thinking we should concentrate on eliminating Bin Laden’s followers. We could send elite teams into the Pakistani mountains to start dealing all our confiscated prescription painkillers, crack, crystal meth, and heroin to the militants. I bet we could get all the extremists hooked for a tenth of what we’ve been spending on weaponry and personnel. Then, we could start turning a profit even. First from the drug sales, and then from the income from the necessary rehab centers. There’s no risk they won’t become addicts. Because, after all, they do everything to extreme.

But most of all I’m thinking that the Webmaster hosting the al-Qaeda website may be our only hope for victory. I can imagine that he’s getting tired of Bin Laden’s complaints. “I don’t get enough visitor hits. My last video made me look fat. Obama spammed my e-mails. “ The company may finally sabotage Bin Laden by giving him a Dell laptop loaded with Windows Vista. The next thing we’ll hear is that Bin Laden died of a self-inflicted wound when his computer locked up while trying to get in a last-minute bid for an online auction. The terrorist was very excited at the time as he had just found a listing for Puerto Rico in eBay’s Real Estate section. Well, we had all been wondering how the White House was planning to finance the War.