Thinking About NASA

So, the Government Accounting Office is disappointed with the performance of Robert Cobb, NASA’s government watchdog. I guess they’re thinking there’s not much hope for turning around this money-sucking agency.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking we should save the money we spend on the federal auditors and contact MENSA for help in solving NASA’s budget issues. I’m sure they’d be happy to offer up a solution. It would give them something more challenging to do other than daily Sudoku puzzles.

I’m also thinking we should utilize our talented NASA engineers to combat Earth’s current food shortage and save millions in foreign aid. If they can figure out how to grow food on spaceships, surely they can figure out how to grow it in Africa.

I’m thinking that if there’s any non-astronauts that really want to get to the moon, let’s go ahead and take them up. Space Shuttle seats can be auctioned off on eBay just as easily as Congressional ones. And of course, NASA will take a lesson from the airline industry and charge for everyone’s first piece of luggage. But don’t complain, space food from a tube still tops what the airlines manage to serve.

I’m thinking they should cut the funding to SpaceX, the private rocket company they’ve contracted with. SpaceX has failed three times to launch already and, as anyone who’s experienced with bottle rockets knows, the next time they try there’s a great chance that, instead of fizzling out, the rocket will simply fall over and travel in a reckless horizontal path through Florida’s residential neighborhoods. NASA certainly doesn’t need to be liable to share in the cost of all the fines they’ll accrue from breaking that many municipal codes at once.

I’m thinking that since India and China are also starting to launch spaceships, we should become the pirates of outer space. It’s a thirty million dollar a year industry in Somalia, a country where half the inhabitants are aid-dependent and a generation of children has grown up with nothing but war. Gee, sounds like us already. And as an added bonus, while in captivity, the Indians can provide technical support services for free and the Chinese can teach us their ancient secret of how to include seafood in an all-you-can-eat buffet and still only charge $9.95.

But most of all I’m thinking the government should give lots more money to AIG. Then the insurance company will be able to rent out the shuttle for their next few retreats and possibly eliminate NASA’s funding problems forever. As long as the space agency remembers to send along an in-house masseuse.