Thinking About Marriage

So, I’m reading that Florida is trying to pass a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage even though the state already doesn’t allow it. That double duty by our legislators is taking up a lot of our time and money, so you know the usual things they’re thinking.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking, boohoo, you poor babies, can’t get married (harsh, yes, but you guys stole the rainbow – my favorite decorating scheme - and the word pride – one of the seven deadly sins but a hell of a good slogan word, kudos to your PR people). Anyway, there is a very large population of thirty-something heterosexual women, crying longer, louder and boozier than you, who can’t get married either. You’re already much better off.

I’m also thinking how my prescient ex-husband was always saying that marriage was the leading cause of divorce. You guys have limited experience with this process, so maybe you just need to observe a few days of Family Court. It will have you running from marriage just like straight men. Hey, let’s all just go the other way instead - everybody boycott marriage. Wouldn’t you love to see a divorce lawyer cry?

Also, I’m thinking that you’re mad you’re missing government tax benefits. Well, just do what everyone else does – find a way to cheat them out of it. You may have some rich friends that could advise you in this area. And if you’re sad because you don’t qualify for some social security benefits, don’t worry. There won’t be any benefits soon. For any of us.

Then I’m thinking, marriage is not as great a commitment as signing over Powers of Attorney to a loved one. Gay lawyers should be working their asses off more productively by developing documents specifically for homosexuals in love. Be as detailed as you need, i.e. he has your permission to visit you in the ICU, but only if you’re having a good hair day. Together you can lovingly work out the details of pre-nups, post-nups, living wills, dying wills. It won’t be that much of a hardship for gay couples to produce these forms when they’re needed – just some of you may now have to carry purses. Like the men already do.

But most of all I’m thinking that if same-sex marriages spread too far, a shortage of turkey basters could easily bring about the end of the human race.