Thinking About the First Tuesday in November

So, the election will finally be over next week, and everyone is thinking that all that matters now is whether Florida will vote for John McCain or Barack Obama.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking now that the safety of Oodles of Noodles has been threatened, Ralph Nader’s got a shot. Because there’s the poor vote, and maybe some of the middle class is living on ramen soup these days. Someone should be checking Nader’s contributors to see if China’s on that list, as they have been participating nicely in his last-minute campaign surge to show us that consumer protection trumps nuclear protection, now known as “making overseas oil deals”. To win it, though, his campaign is hoping for an American outbreak leading to massive recalls later on this week as much as the Republican’s are still hoping for their terrorist attack.

I’m thinking that with 100 million pot smokers in this country, pro-legalization candidate Bob Barr should be out distributing espressos and Red Bulls door-to-door to get the stoners away from their couches and TVs long enough to cast their ballots. If the man came on strong right now with a last-minute stump for that and add to it same-sex marriages, I think he could pull out the popular vote. And if he promises to also legalize prostitution and polygamy, he’ll have no problem with the electoral votes, either.

I’m thinking, vote the Mafioso for President. Granted, the Mafia didn’t have the foresight to get involved in the oil or prescription drug industry, but I’ve never heard of any casinos that needed bailing out. Plus there will be 100% employment – the Mafia always needs a favor. And, as a great big bonus, they don’t believe in taxes.

I’m also thinking that since Washington is such a mess, I might fit right in. So, vote for me. Hey, wait a minute, I’m not as messed up as I think. I didn’t spend millions of dollars to get a temporary job that only pays 500K a year. Hey, wait a minute, they’re not as messed up as I think. It wasn’t their millions of dollars that they spent. So, as it ends up, they’re smart enough to be allowed to run the country, but we’re too dumb to be allowed to vote.

But, most of all I’m thinking we’re going to end up with either Palin or Biden in charge. Because, of the main runners, one’s likely to drop dead in office and the other’s likely to get shot.