Thinking About the Second Coming

So, I see where many religions believe that Jesus will be coming back to Earth. I guess they’re thinking that things would go better for Him this time around.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that no one would ever believe Mary was a virgin. Even if it could be proven, they would speculate that she had simply gone to France for the re-virginization technique. You know, the one designed to fool Islamic fiancees. If she persisted with her story, Jesus would wind up the property of our Social Services system and Mary would need a team of lawyers to escape permanent housing in the loony bin.

I’m also thinking that rumors would run rampant about Joseph’s role in all of this. So much so that social workers would probably force Mary to sue for child support. She’d win, of course. You’d have to figure that, in a test where half the DNA comes from God, the results would be inconclusive at best. Of course, Jesus would never recover from his resentment of having to trade down.

I’m thinking that Jesus woud have had a hard time in school. Mary and Joe would be called constantly to the school’s administrative office, until, finally, Jesus would be thrown out permanently because of the zero tolerance policy on the Bible. The excuse that Jesus had brought his Father’s book in for show-and-tell would not be given any due consideration.

I’m thinking that Jesus would have been much too busy in his twenties to preach, what with the frequent trips to the therapist. The guilt of a Jewish mother is always a hard thing to shake off. It would be even harder for Jesus, because there is no Him for Him. If Mary doesn’t succeed in nagging him to death about her lack of grandchildren, He’d probably just kill Himself anyway the day she tells him she’d love him just as much if he were gay.

But most of all, I’m thinking Jesus would have been a social loser in the modern world. He would have had to invite fifty people to His seder, just to get those twelve to attend. The women would be no-shows, as usual. When men reach their thirties without a first marriage under their belt, we know there’s a reason why, but don’t care enough to find out. And the guys who show up for His Last Supper would be ones He knew from an online chess club. In the dinner party’s group picture, they would undoubtedly be dressed as Klingons or one of their favorite superheroes. Or Cher.