Thinking About My Fear of Flying

So, I see that people are up in arms about the recent rash of passenger flight delays. I guess they’re thinking that they have nothing better to worry about when traveling by plane.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking how can people be so confident that there’s nothing in the air they’re flying through? I’m always seeing announcements about amazing new discoveries, so there’s certainly plenty more to find. Your plane could hit any number of these things not yet realized, like maybe a floating invisible island chain, castles in the sky, or, perhaps, even a dragon. Or it could run into a more common danger like some idiot on your block building a really tall addition, putting up a gigantic flagpole or installing towering works of lawn art without the necessary permits. I’m also always seeing amazing announcements about these events.

I’m thinking it scares me that planes are always just flying willy-nilly into clouds. Big thick banks of clouds, where anything could be hiding. Clouds can camouflage kamikaze flocks of birds, intent on taking back their turf, choosing death by turbine for the cause. They can hide loitering space junk, or you might even smash right into a UFO. A cloud disguise is excellent as a two-for-one, because as the aliens reach earth, voila, they’re now surrounded by fog. Extraterrestrials would simply disguise themselves as airplanes, but news travels slowly through space and so they think the air-traffic controllers are still on strike.

And I’m thinking that it’s a big gamble to trust your fellow travelers to turn off their electronic devices because when it comes to video games, some teenagers and most husbands will ignore even final requests. As your plane is spinning out of control, frantic passengers are shouting out Nintendo shortcuts to get Mario to level 8 before there’s an ocean landing. You finally think you’re safe, but as the altitude of your aircraft is still rapidly dropping you hear a chorus of voices helplessly wailing, “But Windows is still shutting down.”

But mostly I’m thinking that it was the earliest doubters of flight who had it right. They were the ones who passed down the saying “If God had wanted us to fly, He’d have given us wings.” We don’t heed this wisdom at all, even though it’s patently obvious that the message came directly from God. Why? He’s protecting Heaven from us, of course. I’d really hate to be in a plane crash because we just nicked one of the Pearly Gates. Or winged an angel. Or that we’re all going to hell because the pilot has just splattered Jesus like a bug on the windshield.