Thinking About Licking

So, I just saw that commercial again about returning licked-clean yogurt tops so the company will contribute to curing breast cancer. That sales campaign has been on forever so I guess I know what Yoplait thinks.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking why all the complexity? Why not just donate money based on sales? I’m thinking they’re in cahoots with the envelope industry and the Postal Service. I’m thinking they’re making money on the side reselling our return addresses to mass-marketers. By now they should be able to buy us all new breasts. Soon they’ll have to. A few more breast-crunching mammograms and mine will be roughly in the shape of a Ziploc baggie.

I’m thinking this is so gross. The worst job ever has to be opening those envelopes to count those spit-covered pieces of foil. I’d need hazard pay and at least three layers of latex before I got near the moldy remains of yogurt that were missed by the tongues of thousands of germ-ridden humans. Better yet, they should outsource this job to prisoners needing extra punishment. Making them touch the tops with their bare hands could replace water boarding.

I’m also thinking they should start targeting their ad campaign to men. If anyone should want to save breasts, it’s the men. They don’t even have to eat the yogurt, just what clings to the top. They can pretend they’re licking a boob.

But most of all I’m thinking conspiracy theory. I noticed you never see the ladies washing off the yogurt tops with water. Why specifically the licking? I’m thinking they’re collecting samples of our DNA. You’ll have to figure out who they are and what their evil purpose is for yourself. Because if I told you, well, you know.