Thinking About Patriotism

So, one of Barack Obama’s major promises as our new President is to transfer all of the Guantanamo detainees to American prisons. Most people are thinking that he’s taking this action because he believes it’s the humane thing to do.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that bringing the prisoners here is just part of Obama’s plan to create more jobs for veterans in America. Unemployed veterans who were former POWs themselves will know just the right way to treat these captives in their new positions as guards. After all, according to what’s publicly acknowledged by the government, our servicemen haven’t been tortured since before the Korean War.

I’m thinking that the reason for closing the installation may be because of disappointment with some of Guantanamo’s light sentences, the most notorious one being the few months of jail time for bin Laden’s driver. Hell, in American states with “three strikes” measures in place, we have people serving life sentences for crimes such as stealing a bicycle, shoplifting videotapes, and for the heinous theft of pizzas.

I’m also thinking that now that big pharmaceutical has taken over most of the drug crime in the U.S., the President may have worked out a deal with the now underutilized Mafia to take on the prison project. It’s an ideal situation because there would no longer be leaks to the press about prison activities that could embarrass the new administration. The Mafia is one organization that knows how to deal with squealers.

But most of all I’m thinking that they’re closing Guantanamo because the prisoners would suffer more here. Waterboarding may be bad, but being an involuntary playmate for the gang in Cell Block A isn’t exactly a walk in the park. And being forced to consume sandwiches made with off-brand jars of peanut butter can be downright deadly.