Thinking About Herbalism

So, while the popular trend is to let inmates go early to escape overcrowded jails, Leon Lott, the vengeful anti-pot sheriff, has finally backed down from his quest to stuff his own jails full of University of South Carolina students who got caught partying with Michael Phelps. This flip-flop came about after a deluge of criticism from people that are sure that it’s high time for pot to be legalized. They must be stoned because they’re thinking that there’s a chance that America will pass the necessary legislation.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that pharmaceutical manufacturers will never let pot become legalized. Pot is their biggest competitor. Medical marijuana already approved for use has the potential to decimate the drug market for appetite stimulants, anti-depressants, and sleeping pills. Pot’s even been rumored to cure cancer and alleviate chronic pain. If legalized, the drug companies will have to start growing it themselves, because the chances of them getting any bailout money is roughly the same as Exxon’s.

I’m also thinking that law enforcement will never let pot become legalized. With police officers making roughly the same salaries as a junior accountant, they certainly don’t think it’s worth it to go after wound-up crack dealers or jittery crystal meth manufacturers. Those kinds of druggies are wide-awake at all hours, spending half of their time peeking out the windows because they heard a noise outside, and the other half fidgeting with their guns and ammunition. The narcotics squad can still fill their arrest quotas by following the path of least resistance and raiding a pot dealer’s house. The only things those inhabitants will be fidgeting with are the controls to the TV remote. When cops are busting in, potheads may not even bother getting up from the couch. Especially if there’s a good Bugs Bunny cartoon on.

But most of all I’m thinking that it’s the Olympic Committee itself that will never let pot become legalized. It’s not steroids, but the rise of teenage marijuana use during the late 20th century that caused the posting of faster times by members of high school swim teams all over the country. The Committee has by now stumbled onto the fact that holding in big bong hits is a proven method of developing astronomical lung capacities. The picture of Michael Phelps was really just him training for the 2012 games and they don’t want the secret to get out.