Thinking About Going on a Diet

So, Americans are getting on the scale more often. They’re thinking that this method provides them with a good way of knowing when they’re too fat.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that you know you’re too fat when you lay on your side, and your back folds in such a way that it creates an elongated butt-crack that doesn’t end until it reaches your shoulder blades. Or when your belly-button has disappeared into a deep verical line that neatly bisects the lower parts of your belly. Or worse, is now part of a horizontal line that stretches all the way from hip to hip.

I’m thinking that you know you’re too fat when your bikini-line now extends about a third of the way down your thighs. When you’re buying body lotion by the gallon. Every week. When you encounter looks of panic everytime you make your way to a vacant movie, bench or bus seat. When the owners of the all-you-can-eat buffets cry when they see you coming.

But most of all I’m thinking that you know you’re too fat when you have to keep waiting for the elevator. Until you can ride alone.