Thinking About Winning the War

So, the war on terrorism continues unabated. Since we’re pulling our troops out of Iraq soon, America must be thinking that they’ve done the best they can do fighting Osama Bin Laden’s Taliban organization.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking outside the box when it comes to fighting the extremists. Send over the Tylenol killer with enough funds to open a pharmacy. Send over illegal immigrants. They can have green cards when we win. Infest the area with the crazy raspberry ants that eat electrical equipment. Hell, send over Atom Ant.

I’m thinking we should send a bunch of gangbangers to win the war. If drive-by shootings don’t get them all, maybe the Muslims will hate rap music enough to off their own selves. These drive-by suicides may thin the opposition enough for us to win. And the rest of the opposition will just die off naturally as the gang members won’t leave any virgins left in the area for the Muslims to be able to marry.

I’m thinking that it’s time for militarily-trained bird troops to make their greatest comeback since World War II. It’s probably not difficult to train them to sacrifice themselves to disable ground vehicles as well as the planes. American birds are very unhappy. Perhaps it’s that pervasive feeling of always being watched.

I’m thinking that the newspaper people could finally take pity on the American military and start leaving clues leading to Bin Laden. One brave reporter might try to leave behind a trail of Reese’s Pieces after an interview. The only thing that could ruin that plan is if America had recently outsourced Area 51 coincidentally to a nearby location and ET snatched up the candy first.

I’m thinking that we should send the Taliban little care packages filled with all the American products that have recently been recalled. Well, except the hamburgers, which would be wasted on the Islams. But imagine how useful little old ladies in nursing homes will feel when they are able to contribute to the war effort by mailing out boxes of their institution’s peanut-butter flavored cookies.

But most of all I’m thinking that we make an announcement to all American troops: Bin Laden’s capturer gets to decide some kind of sweeping legislation. First gay serviceman to capture Bin Laden gets the U.S. to legalize same-sex marriages. Conversely, first anti-gay serviceman gets a constitutional ban. If a child molester gets him, we may have to lower the age of jailbait to eight. But, the war could conceivably be over in a day.