Thinking About Secession

So, I hear that Rich Moyle, Commissioner of North Lauderdale, is proposing to divide Florida into two separate states. Secession is not an ideal opening gambit for solving political problems, but the City of Margate is the next to take up the issue, so you never know what these city politicians are thinking.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that Rich Moyle is absolutely right about the fact that we should be upset with the way money is being spent in this state. Right now, I’m very upset that one of our politicians has spent Florida taxpayer money by sending out 306 packets of a resolution that the author, Rich Moyle, admits is doomed to failure. Of course, he can always be proud of the money he saved by narrowly beating the deadline for the postal rate increase.

I’m thinking that one fact really stands out for me and it is this. The only part of the plan that has been thought about in any detail is the description of the proposed dividing line for the state. It leads me to believe that this line may possibly be a geological path of least resistance where their new state of South Florida can be chopped right off the continental shelf. Besides creating more oceanfront property, if they can tow their chunk more than three miles off the coast they’ve got an enormously lucrative floating casino. Also, they’ll be portable enough so when they get mad at the way the Federal Government is spending their money, they can just pack it all up and tugboat it elsewhere down the sea lane.

But most of all I’m thinking that if the state splits up, Democrats will have finally solved the problem of how to get the Florida delegates back into the Democratic National Convention and, at the same time, can satisfy their apparently never-ending lust for a voting do-over.

Thinking About McCain

So, I see the latest statistics show that the 2008 Presidential candidates have the country evenly divided. This means that, even though John McCain’s next campaign policy idea could easily be for greater measures in tracking down the latest pair of successful suicide bombers, half the country may still vote Republican.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that most of his policies have tended to cancel each other out. Here’s just one example: Although he promises to save Social Security from its impending depletion by retiring Baby Boomers, he will create another Baby Boom by offering to double the tax deduction on dependent children. McCain should really be investigating to see if his advisors are possibly registered as Democrats. Or checking to see if his staff’s pension funds are being deposited through the Democratic National Committee.

I’m thinking that McCain’s statement about Arizona mothers not telling their children they can grow up to be President may be designed to foreshadow the basis of his exit strategy. Apparently, since the Democrats have stolen “recount” as their face-saving motto, John will be relying on the time-tested “It’s always the mother’s fault”. And, based on the groundwork already laid by her Mitt Romney performance on CNN last year, we’ll have no problems believing it.

I’m also thinking of his fondness for quoting that, “It’s always darkest before it goes completely black”. I’m not sure if he means that as the exit phrase he’ll be using when he loses to a black man or if it means that to fund his hundred year’s war, we’ll have to go without electricity. Maybe that’s why he feels the need to spend $300M to develop a better battery.

I’m thinking that I don’t know what the politically correct phrase is to describe what I feel when I hear about McCain’s policies. You may know it, it’s the same word we use to describe what we think about President Bush when we’re trying to avoid using the word retarded.

But, most of all I’m thinking that Senator McCain is very fortunate that a group of foresighted Republicans still own The New Yorker.

Thinking About Bill and Hill

So, I see that Hillary Clinton won’t be making it to the Presidency this year, even though she is still getting more press than John McCain. Many people are thinking that her loss was because of the issues.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that one of her problems with this campaign is that she kept getting caught when telling lies. Using Bill as a coach in this area was not a good choice, but love is blind. Remember, she was the one who thought him especially believable when he did not have sex with that woman. Of course, that’s probably only based on how she defines sex. And, no, we won’t be using the Freedom of Information Act to find out what that is.

I’m thinking that she did not do her best in the campaign because she was continually distracted by visions of her hidden agenda which can only be revenge. She must want very badly to have her turn at adulterous oral stimulation in the Oval Office. There is no other way to explain the combination of her staying married to Bill Clinton and her zealous, never-say-die determination to get back into the White House.

I’m also thinking that she should have been spending her campaign money more wisely, like on liposuction and a facelift. A better plan for her election would have been to divorce Bill and marry herself a nice rich oil sheikh. Getting gas prices back to a dollar a gallon could have clinched the election for her. Of course, we’d probably even elect Osama Bin Laden if he could do that. But would that knowledge make the winning any less sweet for her?

But most of all, I’m thinking that what really lost her the election is the thought of Bill Clinton filling the traditional spousal role around the White House. I keep picturing the White House redone in Early American Brothel and the Inaugural Ball photos shot with the dignitaries grouped around the stripper poles.