Thinking About Ze Plane, Ze Plane

So, the airlines are still trying to devise ways to stop losing money. I’m going to be really mad if I fall out of the sky one day just because I happen to be in mid-flight with a company who has just declared bankruptcy. Since no one has called me for my ideas on the subject, I guess they must be thinking that they’ve taken all necessary steps to stay aloft.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that I have a much better way to assess the price of a plane ticket. As soon as you arrive at the airport, you, your luggage and all your accessories are loaded onto a huge scale just like the ones they use on The Biggest Loser, and you will be charged the appropriate amount depending on the total poundage. Luckily, since new airport regulations have made it so that when you get there, you’ve still got a few hours to kill, you have a chance to save some money by trying to quickly drop into a lower weight class.

I’m thinking this policy will open new economic opportunities for the air travel industry. For passengers that want to get rid of excess luggage weight, the airport will happily rent you a yard sale table. Returning passengers, and even in-the-know locals, will be thrilled with the last-minute bargains they can find. And not only will your ticket be cheaper, you even get to make a few dollars in the process. It may also give you the ideal excuse for getting rid of that hated Christmas sweater you’ve been required to bring every time you go to visit your mother.

I’m thinking that if you only need to lose a few ounces to get a better ticket price, you can head to the airport bathroom. Models who couldn’t make it in the industry, can pick up freelance work by being made available to those desiring instruction in the art of Bulimia. And if you need to lose more than one meal, you can visit one of the many high colonic kiosks soon to be popping up in the terminal. If you are cash-strapped and haven’t been eating your fiber, this could amount to great savings. Of course, the charges for these services will need to offset the raises that the restroom attendants will surely be demanding.

I’m also thinking, that for those who plan to drop weight in advance of their trip, the airlines can make a fortune peddling their own Preflight crash diets. But they need to come up with a better name for them. Seeing the word crash in such close proximity to a word associated with air travel tends to make one a bit wary.

But most of all I’m thinking that the best way to bring in extra income to the airlines is to install pay toilet mechanisms on each plane. Since flushing during a flight takes up a lot of fuel, the price could be pretty steep. To make up for it, when you enter the bathroom, there will be a hooker waiting for you. If you have to pay that much just to pee, it should definitely include a free membership to the Mile-High Club.