Thinking About Employing a Bit of Stra-gedy

So, UCLA geologists brilliantly developed a strategy to locate Osama Bin Laden’s hiding place. The only drawback to that strategy was the fact that the primal urge of the academic is to “publish or perish”, so that by the time intelligence agencies had finished forming their first task force to examine the information, the Bin Laden’s were already reading about it in MIT’s International Review. They immediately headed down to the liquor store to get a supply of cardboard boxes and began packing up their dishes. Since I haven’t heard any other good ideas since, they’ve either learned a lesson about secrecy. or they’re thinking there aren’t any more good strategies for stopping this guy.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that maybe Bin Laden is so well hidden because he’s really a woman. He does have nicely shaped eyebrows, with no hint of a unibrow problem. It could explain a lot of our ineffectiveness in the war effort, seeing as how they way typical Muslim fashion has their women all dressing alike, he’d be very hard to spot. I imagine only his sons know the truth for sure.

I’m thinking we agree to remove our troops if Iraq will let us take over their car industry. We’ll use the same game plan over there as the management of General Motors used over here. Soon the cars in the Middle East will be so bad the extremists will have to run the suicide missions by camels. Or they’ll have to move to the suburbs and walk the bombs in. At least then they’d be close enough for pizza delivery.

I’m thinking that everyone in the world should send all their chain e-mails to the Taliban website. Sounds incredibly simple, but this strategy is a guaranteed win-win situation. The Bin Laden team will either be too busy clicking the forward button to concentrate on waging their war. Or they’ll be suffering from the bad luck guaranteed by not doing so.

I’m also thinking that since the Gitmo detainees are going to be let out of jail, we should first inject them with tracking devices, and use good old GPS locators to find the terrorist’s headquarters. Or maybe we should just inject the local reporters. We should find and follow his mailman, his computer technician, and his satellite repairman. Or track his wife when she has to go into town to pick up the feminine products his employees are too embarassed to buy.

But most of all I’m thinking that instead of military staff, we need to send all our forensic experts out there. They’ll be able to track the suicide trucks back to the militant’s hideout with just a piece of fiber, two hairs and a pinky toe. Imagine the new reality series, CSI: Iraq. Each week, our heroic cast can identify tire tracks, piece together body parts, discover bomb maker’s signatures and trace grains of sand back to the exact cave they came from. And all the while solving various family dilemmas by overseas videoconferencing. I see it jumping to number one immediately. It’ll rocket CBS to the title of undisputed king of the networks.