Thinking About the Race

So, I see that Republicans don’t think that Barack Obama can live up to his campaign promises if elected as the first black President. Hypocritical, always, but they do let you know what they’re thinking, at least at that moment.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking he really could improve racial unity, because he is so racially ambiguous. His middle name is Hussein – you can’t tell me that that’s the Ebonic spelling of Leroy. He studied the Constitution, which, as you know, is only done by green-card carrying Hispanics. He looks less like he’s from the hood than he does like Richie Cunningham sporting a summer tan from Miami. If this is the kind of black guy that makes Kentuckians nervous, Daniel Boone is rolling in his grave. Also, Obama says he’s helping the poor by giving tax breaks to the middle class. That’s WASP talk to me - has anyone tested his proficiency in Izzle yet? And as for having a racially-bred predisposition for athletics, did you see him at the bowling alley? Also, the only time I saw him grab his crotch was that shot of him when the National Anthem was playing, but even that wasn’t a “black” thing. Maybe he was hiding an overt response in a sensitive area brought on at the time by a rush of patriotism or by a daydream of whipping Hillary in a more literal manner with his less-literal whip. Maybe he was hiding an embarrassing pee spot caused by having to rush away from the urinals before the press could count his number of shakes or before another politician could offer him sex for a twenty. I’m just bothered that he didn’t have his hands farther down his thighs. If he wins, I’m going to use the Freedom of Information Act to learn the real truth about black men.

I’m also thinking that Obama will certainly be able to find the funding to pay for his reform programs. He’s probably already looking into how much he could get for offering up Texas as the new Palestinian state. Arabs don’t landscape their yards, they pick their own olives and they’re always up for a little border skirmish, so they’ll gladly include helping us solve some of our immigration problems in the deal. He could also get a lot of funding from Muslim extremists by offering them vacation packages here. Where else better for them to relax than in a land where you can complain freely about how much you hate America and Jews and meet others who do also? And if those plans don’t work out, he can post America on eBay. They do real estate transactions now.

But most of all I’m thinking that Obama should have no problem bringing both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to a speedy conclusion. Why not? After all, as the stereotypical black man in a white man’s world, his motto must be if you can’t beat them, join them.

Thinking About McCain

So, I see the latest statistics show that the 2008 Presidential candidates have the country evenly divided. This means that, even though John McCain’s next campaign policy idea could easily be for greater measures in tracking down the latest pair of successful suicide bombers, half the country may still vote Republican.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that most of his policies have tended to cancel each other out. Here’s just one example: Although he promises to save Social Security from its impending depletion by retiring Baby Boomers, he will create another Baby Boom by offering to double the tax deduction on dependent children. McCain should really be investigating to see if his advisors are possibly registered as Democrats. Or checking to see if his staff’s pension funds are being deposited through the Democratic National Committee.

I’m thinking that McCain’s statement about Arizona mothers not telling their children they can grow up to be President may be designed to foreshadow the basis of his exit strategy. Apparently, since the Democrats have stolen “recount” as their face-saving motto, John will be relying on the time-tested “It’s always the mother’s fault”. And, based on the groundwork already laid by her Mitt Romney performance on CNN last year, we’ll have no problems believing it.

I’m also thinking of his fondness for quoting that, “It’s always darkest before it goes completely black”. I’m not sure if he means that as the exit phrase he’ll be using when he loses to a black man or if it means that to fund his hundred year’s war, we’ll have to go without electricity. Maybe that’s why he feels the need to spend $300M to develop a better battery.

I’m thinking that I don’t know what the politically correct phrase is to describe what I feel when I hear about McCain’s policies. You may know it, it’s the same word we use to describe what we think about President Bush when we’re trying to avoid using the word retarded.

But, most of all I’m thinking that Senator McCain is very fortunate that a group of foresighted Republicans still own The New Yorker.

Thinking About Fear

So, I’m learning a lot of surprising things about political campaigns this year. In fact, I was very surprised to learn that the Republicans were thinking a clever campaign strategy would be to figure out how to extend a proper invitation for terrorists to pay another visit to the United States before this November.

Yikes! But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that a better political strategy would be to hire the terrorists to simply assassinate the other candidate. I wonder which party will have that on their strategy list first? They need to make sure to add a spousal-inclusion clause. With the proven election success of widows, it’s the only way to make the race a sure bet.

I’m thinking that since praying for a terror attack would be a clear violation of the principle which separates church and state, campaigners will have to rely on using the secrets of the movie “The Secret” to lure the terrorists here to kill us. We should check to see if the DVD is listed as one of Oprah’s campaign donations. Of course, for all we know, our campaign funds could already be payrolling the entire al-Qaeda staff. We better check their website’s domain real fast to see if it ends in dot-gov. And someone should research Osama Bin Laden. I bet his name will pop up as a registered member of the Screen Actor’s Guild.

I’m thinking that next time, let’s boycott the election, pool our campaign donations together and use them to fix something: rebuild New Orleans, offset the price of gas, fund Social Security, or find a personnel agency that can actually find us a damn job. It would be something new, we could actually succeed in fulfilling a campaign promise. We can name it the American Non-Contribution Initiative for Freedom from Election Campaigns At Last. The ANTI-FECAL movement for short.

I’m also thinking that, previously, I thought terror was when your gas tank was empty, or that you had to fly commercially, or worrying that your next “group homeless feeding” may be canceled. But now I truly understand the meaning. In fact, in no time the definition of terror will be changed in the dictionary. The picture beside it will be updated to show the White House.

But most of all, I’m thinking that we should round up all the politicians and send them over to Guantanamo Bay to pay for their crimes of terror. Water boarding won’t work as they’re impossible to drown. They have alternate ways to breathe from years of practice of talking out their asses. We’ll have to find something to really torture them. Make them re-lick the already-licked yogurt tops sent in for the Yoplait Breast Cancer Campaign.