Thinking About Jumping off the Bandwagon

So, I see that many people who earlier had criticized President Barack Obama have changed their tunes. I guess they’re thinking that they were wrong.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that we’ve got cause to worry about his agenda for brokering the end of the wars in the Middle East. I’m pretty sure that the only way to get all the Arab countries to agree to a quick settlement for peace is to just give ‘em our Jews. I’ll concede that there’s a possibility that it may lead to world peace, but if you’ve ever overheard my relatives complaining at the beach as to what is chafing their thighs and could I take a little look, you’d know it’s much too cruel to turn us over to a country that is one giant sandbox.

I’m also thinking about the latest figures regarding our personal government bailout. Gee, 400$ a year for workers and a one-time payment of $250 for retirees. I really regret that I did not press earlier for the details regarding Obama’s comprehensive plan for change. I had no idea that he was literally offering us change. Pocket change.

But most of all I’m thinking that President Obama’s lack of experience really has been the handicap his naysayers said it was going to be. He apparently has absolutely no idea how corrupt an experienced politician really is.

Thinking About Going on a Diet

So, Americans are getting on the scale more often. They’re thinking that this method provides them with a good way of knowing when they’re too fat.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that you know you’re too fat when you lay on your side, and your back folds in such a way that it creates an elongated butt-crack that doesn’t end until it reaches your shoulder blades. Or when your belly-button has disappeared into a deep verical line that neatly bisects the lower parts of your belly. Or worse, is now part of a horizontal line that stretches all the way from hip to hip.

I’m thinking that you know you’re too fat when your bikini-line now extends about a third of the way down your thighs. When you’re buying body lotion by the gallon. Every week. When you encounter looks of panic everytime you make your way to a vacant movie, bench or bus seat. When the owners of the all-you-can-eat buffets cry when they see you coming.

But most of all I’m thinking that you know you’re too fat when you have to keep waiting for the elevator. Until you can ride alone.

Thinking About Winning the War

So, the war on terrorism continues unabated. Since we’re pulling our troops out of Iraq soon, America must be thinking that they’ve done the best they can do fighting Osama Bin Laden’s Taliban organization.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking outside the box when it comes to fighting the extremists. Send over the Tylenol killer with enough funds to open a pharmacy. Send over illegal immigrants. They can have green cards when we win. Infest the area with the crazy raspberry ants that eat electrical equipment. Hell, send over Atom Ant.

I’m thinking we should send a bunch of gangbangers to win the war. If drive-by shootings don’t get them all, maybe the Muslims will hate rap music enough to off their own selves. These drive-by suicides may thin the opposition enough for us to win. And the rest of the opposition will just die off naturally as the gang members won’t leave any virgins left in the area for the Muslims to be able to marry.

I’m thinking that it’s time for militarily-trained bird troops to make their greatest comeback since World War II. It’s probably not difficult to train them to sacrifice themselves to disable ground vehicles as well as the planes. American birds are very unhappy. Perhaps it’s that pervasive feeling of always being watched.

I’m thinking that the newspaper people could finally take pity on the American military and start leaving clues leading to Bin Laden. One brave reporter might try to leave behind a trail of Reese’s Pieces after an interview. The only thing that could ruin that plan is if America had recently outsourced Area 51 coincidentally to a nearby location and ET snatched up the candy first.

I’m thinking that we should send the Taliban little care packages filled with all the American products that have recently been recalled. Well, except the hamburgers, which would be wasted on the Islams. But imagine how useful little old ladies in nursing homes will feel when they are able to contribute to the war effort by mailing out boxes of their institution’s peanut-butter flavored cookies.

But most of all I’m thinking that we make an announcement to all American troops: Bin Laden’s capturer gets to decide some kind of sweeping legislation. First gay serviceman to capture Bin Laden gets the U.S. to legalize same-sex marriages. Conversely, first anti-gay serviceman gets a constitutional ban. If a child molester gets him, we may have to lower the age of jailbait to eight. But, the war could conceivably be over in a day.

Thinking About the Search For Bin-Laden

So, America hasn’t caught Osama Bin Laden yet. I guess our military is thinking that, although al-Qaeda holds online meetings and are still arranging incredibly successful suicide bombings, they have given up on imagining another plan to stop him.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that we made a big mistake giving Bin Laden’s driver such a light sentence. A harsher penalty would have made it much harder for Osama to find a new one. He may have had to settle for Princess Di’s ex-driver to fill the position. Or Lindsay Lohan. He may have even had to hitch a ride with one of his bombing teams. And, as you know, accidents will happen.

I’m thinking that Osama Bin Laden isn’t conducting a religious war as he claims. It’s obvious he just suffers from depression. Of course, he has every reason to be depressed. He comes from oil-rich Saudi Arabia and his family chose to go into the construction business. His mental illness has turned out to be a help in his war, though. He’s been able to recruit a lot of personnel from his depression support group. He likes to hire them because he’s free to embezzle their pension funds. But the aggression of his bevy of suicidal women could solely be due to PMS or, worse, menopause. American planes could try air-dropping Midol, diuretics, and anti-depressants. Prescription drugs are really cheap at Wal-Mart, so think of the reduction to the war debt. And if the pills don’t end the bombings completely, they may at least stall them until the following month.

I’m thinking we should concentrate on eliminating Bin Laden’s followers. We could send elite teams into the Pakistani mountains to start dealing all our confiscated prescription painkillers, crack, crystal meth, and heroin to the militants. I bet we could get all the extremists hooked for a tenth of what we’ve been spending on weaponry and personnel. Then, we could start turning a profit even. First from the drug sales, and then from the income from the necessary rehab centers. There’s no risk they won’t become addicts. Because, after all, they do everything to extreme.

But most of all I’m thinking that the Webmaster hosting the al-Qaeda website may be our only hope for victory. I can imagine that he’s getting tired of Bin Laden’s complaints. “I don’t get enough visitor hits. My last video made me look fat. Obama spammed my e-mails. “ The company may finally sabotage Bin Laden by giving him a Dell laptop loaded with Windows Vista. The next thing we’ll hear is that Bin Laden died of a self-inflicted wound when his computer locked up while trying to get in a last-minute bid for an online auction. The terrorist was very excited at the time as he had just found a listing for Puerto Rico in eBay’s Real Estate section. Well, we had all been wondering how the White House was planning to finance the War.

Thinking About When Your eBay Item Doesn’t Sell

So, Rod Blagojevich is writing a book exposing corruption in politics. Well, they say to write about what you know and I guess Rod is thinking his bird’s-eye view of the issue is worth the six figure deal he was offered.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that he should have held out for more money. Although Illinois politicians have proven to be thick-skinned, or just plain oblivious, there’s certain to be an emotional price paid when the book is published. After all, how would you feel if a million people were reading your diary?

I’m thinking that six figures may be cheap when you realize that there’s enough fodder for a project about the size of a set of encyclopedias. Rod could be at this task for a while. Just the discussion of politicians with tax violations will fill up a volume. And it may take the rest of the rainforest to document their sex crimes.

But most of all I’m thinking that six figures can’t possibly be enough to keep Rod’s hair out of our hair. Other politicians should keep checking the eBay site. I think you’ll find that the next things Blagojevich will be auctioning off are chances to delete the section of his book that will be incriminating you.