Thinking About Ze Plane, Ze Plane

So, the airlines are still trying to devise ways to stop losing money. I’m going to be really mad if I fall out of the sky one day just because I happen to be in mid-flight with a company who has just declared bankruptcy. Since no one has called me for my ideas on the subject, I guess they must be thinking that they’ve taken all necessary steps to stay aloft.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that I have a much better way to assess the price of a plane ticket. As soon as you arrive at the airport, you, your luggage and all your accessories are loaded onto a huge scale just like the ones they use on The Biggest Loser, and you will be charged the appropriate amount depending on the total poundage. Luckily, since new airport regulations have made it so that when you get there, you’ve still got a few hours to kill, you have a chance to save some money by trying to quickly drop into a lower weight class.

I’m thinking this policy will open new economic opportunities for the air travel industry. For passengers that want to get rid of excess luggage weight, the airport will happily rent you a yard sale table. Returning passengers, and even in-the-know locals, will be thrilled with the last-minute bargains they can find. And not only will your ticket be cheaper, you even get to make a few dollars in the process. It may also give you the ideal excuse for getting rid of that hated Christmas sweater you’ve been required to bring every time you go to visit your mother.

I’m thinking that if you only need to lose a few ounces to get a better ticket price, you can head to the airport bathroom. Models who couldn’t make it in the industry, can pick up freelance work by being made available to those desiring instruction in the art of Bulimia. And if you need to lose more than one meal, you can visit one of the many high colonic kiosks soon to be popping up in the terminal. If you are cash-strapped and haven’t been eating your fiber, this could amount to great savings. Of course, the charges for these services will need to offset the raises that the restroom attendants will surely be demanding.

I’m also thinking, that for those who plan to drop weight in advance of their trip, the airlines can make a fortune peddling their own Preflight crash diets. But they need to come up with a better name for them. Seeing the word crash in such close proximity to a word associated with air travel tends to make one a bit wary.

But most of all I’m thinking that the best way to bring in extra income to the airlines is to install pay toilet mechanisms on each plane. Since flushing during a flight takes up a lot of fuel, the price could be pretty steep. To make up for it, when you enter the bathroom, there will be a hooker waiting for you. If you have to pay that much just to pee, it should definitely include a free membership to the Mile-High Club.

Thinking About Childhood

So, it seems that everyone now is an expert in child raising. The internet is full of so many parenting tips, I guess they’re thinking there aren’t any more ways to be an effective parent.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that my idea of good parenting is placing a baby monitor in the child’s room. And leaving it in there until their eighteenth birthday.

I’m also thinking that it’s silly when mothers wish upon naughty teenagers for their future children to behave just like them. If you really want to keep your kids in line, tell them their comeuppance will be having children that behave just like you.

But most of all I’m thinking that instead of asking newly married couples when they’re going to have kids, look around your toy-strewn, sticky-furnitured house and ask yourself why you did. I’m pretty sure that if Adam and Eve had known what parenthood had in store for them, they’d have just gotten a puppy.

Thinking About Neighborhood Watching

So, even though budgets are being cut nationwide, local governments small enough to monitor you at your homes like Big Brother are still in business. Like my small town, they are thinking that their voluminous municipal code laws are entirely necessary for the survival of their citizens.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that this overlegislation must be stopped before it’s too late. Our Building Department has already outlawed white picket fences in front yards. Yes, you heard me, they have already trampled all over the American dream. First we let them come poking around our yards, and the next thing you know they’ll find a way to inspect the insides of homes. That scares me to death. I have a feeling they’ll find my housekeeping to be a code violation.

I’m thinking that their vigilance has backfired in their quest to protect housing values. Potential home buyers in our neighborhood will get the wrong idea when they visit. We don’t have a crime problem. The “no trespassing” signs prominently displayed at every house are only there so that the code people can’t go snooping in our backyards. Actually, the only criminals on our block are us. If you haven’t gotten hit with a lawn, dog or trash violation yet, then you’ve just moved here this week. Municipal laws are the gateway laws that have led to America’s vast crime problem.

But most of all I’m thinking that my city has so many nit-picking ordinances now that ignorance of the law really has become an excuse. In fact, some of these laws are so ridiculous that, from now on, I’m going to actually choose ignorance. After all, it’s obvious the lawmakers already have.

Thinking About Employing a Bit of Stra-gedy

So, UCLA geologists brilliantly developed a strategy to locate Osama Bin Laden’s hiding place. The only drawback to that strategy was the fact that the primal urge of the academic is to “publish or perish”, so that by the time intelligence agencies had finished forming their first task force to examine the information, the Bin Laden’s were already reading about it in MIT’s International Review. They immediately headed down to the liquor store to get a supply of cardboard boxes and began packing up their dishes. Since I haven’t heard any other good ideas since, they’ve either learned a lesson about secrecy. or they’re thinking there aren’t any more good strategies for stopping this guy.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that maybe Bin Laden is so well hidden because he’s really a woman. He does have nicely shaped eyebrows, with no hint of a unibrow problem. It could explain a lot of our ineffectiveness in the war effort, seeing as how they way typical Muslim fashion has their women all dressing alike, he’d be very hard to spot. I imagine only his sons know the truth for sure.

I’m thinking we agree to remove our troops if Iraq will let us take over their car industry. We’ll use the same game plan over there as the management of General Motors used over here. Soon the cars in the Middle East will be so bad the extremists will have to run the suicide missions by camels. Or they’ll have to move to the suburbs and walk the bombs in. At least then they’d be close enough for pizza delivery.

I’m thinking that everyone in the world should send all their chain e-mails to the Taliban website. Sounds incredibly simple, but this strategy is a guaranteed win-win situation. The Bin Laden team will either be too busy clicking the forward button to concentrate on waging their war. Or they’ll be suffering from the bad luck guaranteed by not doing so.

I’m also thinking that since the Gitmo detainees are going to be let out of jail, we should first inject them with tracking devices, and use good old GPS locators to find the terrorist’s headquarters. Or maybe we should just inject the local reporters. We should find and follow his mailman, his computer technician, and his satellite repairman. Or track his wife when she has to go into town to pick up the feminine products his employees are too embarassed to buy.

But most of all I’m thinking that instead of military staff, we need to send all our forensic experts out there. They’ll be able to track the suicide trucks back to the militant’s hideout with just a piece of fiber, two hairs and a pinky toe. Imagine the new reality series, CSI: Iraq. Each week, our heroic cast can identify tire tracks, piece together body parts, discover bomb maker’s signatures and trace grains of sand back to the exact cave they came from. And all the while solving various family dilemmas by overseas videoconferencing. I see it jumping to number one immediately. It’ll rocket CBS to the title of undisputed king of the networks.

Thinking About Socializing

So, even though it was designed for the younger generation, millions of old-timers are creating Facebook pages of their own. I guess they’re thinking they’re still in the prime of their social networking life.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that you’re too old for Facebook when the “browsing for people you know” function serves mainly as an exercise for your cobwebby memory. Instead of networking, you are at the point when it’s an achievement when you can remember anyone’s last names. And sometimes their first names. Or their faces. Or the names of your schools. When it gets to where your reply to every add-a-friend is “Who in the hell are you?”, it’s time to check into a prescription for Aricept.

You’re too old for facebook when you have to squint to recognize who’s in the profile pictures. Well, they are kind of small, so maybe that’s okay. And when you then have to grab for the reading glasses, and possibly even the magnifying glass, that’s not so bad either. But when you find that you’re reaching for a microscope, game over.

But most of all I’m thinking that you’re too old for Facebook when you are dutifully answering every email sent, and yet you sit wondering why no one ever writes back again. Until one day you happen to look at your e-mail sent folder and find that there are quite a lot of messages from you addressed to the "No Reply" mailbox. And you still can’t figure it out.

Thinking About Playing the Blame Game

So, the economy is in ruins. Many are thinking that the blame for it all trickles up to the policies of the Federal Reserve.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that this is the fault of the taxpayers. If it hadn’t been for our stinginess regarding contributions to public education over the past thirty years, we might have had a shot at having someone trained by now to be able to fix this mess we’re in, But we’ve stubbornly stuck with our chosen system of electing new idiots to take over from the old idiots. And, of course, politicians are still suggesting budget reductions in schools. This is only because they are afraid of the possibility that an improved education system may produce a graduate smart enough to know the depths to which our leaders have screwed us over.

I’m also thinking that the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of late-night TV watchers. Yes, infomercials are the true culprit. People watched and bought real estate with no money down. The housing market has now collapsed. People followed the suggestions from the Debt Cures and Debt Reduction series and learned how to go bankrupt without losing any of their assets. Now banks are being bailed out with pretty much all our money. Our restless population of insomniacs also learned how to become amateur day traders. And the stock market takes a dive. Could these links just be sheer coincidence? I think not.

But most of all I’m thinking that, while we wasted decades worrying about Communism infiltrating the world like a chain of falling dominos, Capitalism snuck right up and bit us on the ass. Either way, all the money and power wound up in the hands of the few and the rest of us got a hard way to go. What has really happened to America is that the Commies have finally won.

Thinking About Jumping off the Bandwagon

So, I see that many people who earlier had criticized President Barack Obama have changed their tunes. I guess they’re thinking that they were wrong.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that we’ve got cause to worry about his agenda for brokering the end of the wars in the Middle East. I’m pretty sure that the only way to get all the Arab countries to agree to a quick settlement for peace is to just give ‘em our Jews. I’ll concede that there’s a possibility that it may lead to world peace, but if you’ve ever overheard my relatives complaining at the beach as to what is chafing their thighs and could I take a little look, you’d know it’s much too cruel to turn us over to a country that is one giant sandbox.

I’m also thinking about the latest figures regarding our personal government bailout. Gee, 400$ a year for workers and a one-time payment of $250 for retirees. I really regret that I did not press earlier for the details regarding Obama’s comprehensive plan for change. I had no idea that he was literally offering us change. Pocket change.

But most of all I’m thinking that President Obama’s lack of experience really has been the handicap his naysayers said it was going to be. He apparently has absolutely no idea how corrupt an experienced politician really is.