Thinking About the First Tuesday in November

So, the election will finally be over next week, and everyone is thinking that all that matters now is whether Florida will vote for John McCain or Barack Obama.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking now that the safety of Oodles of Noodles has been threatened, Ralph Nader’s got a shot. Because there’s the poor vote, and maybe some of the middle class is living on ramen soup these days. Someone should be checking Nader’s contributors to see if China’s on that list, as they have been participating nicely in his last-minute campaign surge to show us that consumer protection trumps nuclear protection, now known as “making overseas oil deals”. To win it, though, his campaign is hoping for an American outbreak leading to massive recalls later on this week as much as the Republican’s are still hoping for their terrorist attack.

I’m thinking that with 100 million pot smokers in this country, pro-legalization candidate Bob Barr should be out distributing espressos and Red Bulls door-to-door to get the stoners away from their couches and TVs long enough to cast their ballots. If the man came on strong right now with a last-minute stump for that and add to it same-sex marriages, I think he could pull out the popular vote. And if he promises to also legalize prostitution and polygamy, he’ll have no problem with the electoral votes, either.

I’m thinking, vote the Mafioso for President. Granted, the Mafia didn’t have the foresight to get involved in the oil or prescription drug industry, but I’ve never heard of any casinos that needed bailing out. Plus there will be 100% employment – the Mafia always needs a favor. And, as a great big bonus, they don’t believe in taxes.

I’m also thinking that since Washington is such a mess, I might fit right in. So, vote for me. Hey, wait a minute, I’m not as messed up as I think. I didn’t spend millions of dollars to get a temporary job that only pays 500K a year. Hey, wait a minute, they’re not as messed up as I think. It wasn’t their millions of dollars that they spent. So, as it ends up, they’re smart enough to be allowed to run the country, but we’re too dumb to be allowed to vote.

But, most of all I’m thinking we’re going to end up with either Palin or Biden in charge. Because, of the main runners, one’s likely to drop dead in office and the other’s likely to get shot.

Thinking About the Census

So, I see where the U.S. will be spending over 10 billion dollars to accomplish the next Census count. I guess they’re thinking that even though the same data is collected over and over again, this number is necessary to ensure proper administration of government funding programs.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that by the time the 2010 Census will be taken, there will be only one area of government funding anyway. All spending by then will have to be earmarked for the costs of World War III.

I’m thinking that with current policies being carried out regarding budget cuts in the areas of Medicare, child welfare, and police protection, when 2010 rolls around, we should have cut nicely into the survival rates of the elderly, the young and the wimpy. Having less population to count is a good, proactive way to cut costs.

I’m thinking the number can simply be figured out mathematically. First take all the currently active social security numbers. Add to that the number of illegal immigrants and extraterrestrials. Area 51 is close enough to Mexico to have accurate data on both. There’s no need to factor in additional newborns who haven’t been issued numbers yet, because this is offset by the amount of children on the welfare rolls who don’t actually exist. Finally, make a negative adjustment for the number of dead people who are still collecting monthly social security checks and you got yourself an accurate count.

So, really what I’m thinking is, don’t spend this money on yet more governmental redundancy. Give it to the poor. Less my 10% finder’s fee, of course.

Thinking About the Separation of Church and State

So, I see that Obama’s pastor Jeremiah Wright is still in the news almost as much as Hillary Clinton, but no one ever mentioned again John McCain’s pastor, John Hagee, who purported that he received a supernatural message that Jews need to be in their homeland of Israel. McCain’s, unlike Obama’s simple statement of non-association was apparently enough.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that I’m not at all convinced that McCain isn’t in serious cahoots with Hagee. They had already calculated the correct amount of the bribe to offer Israel’s Olmert for taking over the American Jewish population, but will have to rethink it in the face of the new administration. And, of course, they mustn’t forget the extra fees required for the illegal Mexicans they’ll have travelling with them to do the actual farming on their new kibbutzim.

I’m thinking that, if McCain wins, Hagee’s next proclamation from God will be a new mission to help all the blacks get back to their homeland of Liberia. If the Republicans can get the mass deportation system in place before the election, McCain could seamlessly flow into the White House and Barak Obama could find himself running for President on another continent. Reverend Wright can still have a field day, though, as he can seamlessly flow into his next batch of rhetoric against the geographically closer South Africans.

I’m thinking we really need to put a quick end to this misconception of the Jewish People. Because if Hagee really was hearing from God, he’d know the truth about the Jews. The Jews aren’t trying to get back to Jerusalem. We now conclude our seders with the religious motto, “Next year in Boca.” I think you’d find that segregating Jews into the ghettos of Boca Raton will be the path of lesser resistance. That is, unless Israel develops its shoreline into a high-rise gambling mecca. Then the voluntary pilgrimages will begin.

I’m also thinking that by following right on the heels of Barack Obama’s stupidity in mingling church and state, McCain’s going to have to rely on the Alzheimer’s card to explain why he had forgotten recent history and was condemned to repeat its mistake. Then, if he loses the election, he’ll have already laid foundations for his attorneys to use in his age-discrimination and/or disability lawsuits. A bunch of settlement money could at least help soothe his male ego – have you seen how much money Cindy makes?

But most of all I’m thinking the truth is that McCain is now in perfect bipartisan harmony with Obama on the issue of religion. Neither of them paid any attention when they were in church.

Thinking About Illiteracy

So, I’m driving through Orlando recently and saw a billboard entirely in a foreign language. I only understood two things on it – the AT&T logo and Puerto Rico. Even though English is the official language of the State of Florida, this public notice shows what Orlando and AT&T think.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking I’ve just been discriminated against, criminally excluded from the influence of a mass-marketing ploy. I’d sue but I don’t think there’s anything in the Civil Rights Act to protect your national origin when it’s only American.

I’m also thinking, what the hell does it say? Win a trip to Puerto Rico? Get free phones? Free minutes? Anything free? Why don’t they want me to know what it is? Are they inciting revolution in Puerto Rico? Or revolution in Orlando by Puerto Ricans? Could AT&T be announcing corporate sponsorship of the island? Or its purchase?

I’m thinking that if I don’t understand the language in my own neighborhood, does that now make me a foreign national? I’d probably be better off with illegal immigrant status, though, as then I’d finally qualify for heath care benefits and food stamps.

I’m even thinking I’d start a massive letter-writing campaign to all the politicians in Florida, but I can’t afford the extra postage needed to include the Spanish translations.

But mostly I’m thinking, what’s next? Billboards in Mandarin? Ebonics? The language of money that only the rich understand? If this trend continues, I’ll have to drive all the way to Alabama to shop. We’ll be able to read the signs there because, luckily, my husband is fluent in redneck.