Thinking About States Beginning With Ill

So, Roland Burris, Rod Blagojevich’s go-to guy when he needs a quick ten or fifteen thou, is now being examined by the Senate Ethics Committee. Gee, and Congress was thinking that everything would be smooth sailing even though Burris’s senate appointment was made by one of America’s most corrupt officials.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that if it had not been something in regards to Blagojevich, Congress may still have found other reasons to declare him not a good fit with the rest of the group. After all, many senators are now returning from their latest retreats and may cotton onto the fact that he’s the only one who’s black. Or that he’s the only one who regularly pays his taxes.

I’m also thinking that they should have had an idea that Burris would leave no line uncrossed in his quest to be appointed Senator. They should have known that Roland’s already commissioned his own monument to himself listing his accomplishments. And he’s left way too much blank space yet to be filled in for him to be wasting time trying to actually win an election.

But most of all I’m thinking that Congress could have saved themselves some trouble by having another look at Blagojevich’s deleted eBay listing for the vacant seat. They might have realized that ethical problems may lurk in the future if they had just noticed that the high bidder was listed as kingroland2016.

Thinking About Herbalism

So, while the popular trend is to let inmates go early to escape overcrowded jails, Leon Lott, the vengeful anti-pot sheriff, has finally backed down from his quest to stuff his own jails full of University of South Carolina students who got caught partying with Michael Phelps. This flip-flop came about after a deluge of criticism from people that are sure that it’s high time for pot to be legalized. They must be stoned because they’re thinking that there’s a chance that America will pass the necessary legislation.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that pharmaceutical manufacturers will never let pot become legalized. Pot is their biggest competitor. Medical marijuana already approved for use has the potential to decimate the drug market for appetite stimulants, anti-depressants, and sleeping pills. Pot’s even been rumored to cure cancer and alleviate chronic pain. If legalized, the drug companies will have to start growing it themselves, because the chances of them getting any bailout money is roughly the same as Exxon’s.

I’m also thinking that law enforcement will never let pot become legalized. With police officers making roughly the same salaries as a junior accountant, they certainly don’t think it’s worth it to go after wound-up crack dealers or jittery crystal meth manufacturers. Those kinds of druggies are wide-awake at all hours, spending half of their time peeking out the windows because they heard a noise outside, and the other half fidgeting with their guns and ammunition. The narcotics squad can still fill their arrest quotas by following the path of least resistance and raiding a pot dealer’s house. The only things those inhabitants will be fidgeting with are the controls to the TV remote. When cops are busting in, potheads may not even bother getting up from the couch. Especially if there’s a good Bugs Bunny cartoon on.

But most of all I’m thinking that it’s the Olympic Committee itself that will never let pot become legalized. It’s not steroids, but the rise of teenage marijuana use during the late 20th century that caused the posting of faster times by members of high school swim teams all over the country. The Committee has by now stumbled onto the fact that holding in big bong hits is a proven method of developing astronomical lung capacities. The picture of Michael Phelps was really just him training for the 2012 games and they don’t want the secret to get out.

Thinking About the L-Word

So, John McCain was the loser and we now have a Democrat in the White House. Most of the voters are thinking he lost only because of the public’s bad opinion of the last Republican administration.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking it was McCain’s proud use of his war record that backfired on him. Like others, and you know who you are, I watch too many movies and TV programs to have a complete grip on reality. I want a President who can get out of a jam like Indiana Jones when faced with hundreds of Nazis, or like MacGyver who, with only a paper clip and some spit, can escape the deadliest of prisons. Getting captured sort of ruins the hero soldier image. Hell, it does damage to the barely-competent soldier image. Even Beetle Bailey didn’t get caught.

I’m thinking that the leader of our nation should be someone with a stronger constitution than most. It becomes a real necessity after the inauguration, when the top advisors start letting them in on how many conspiracy theories are not just urban legend. John McCain probably lost a lot of votes for the Presidency because of the worry that he might stroke out when they showed him the aliens in Area 51.

But most of all I’m thinking that John McCain’s biggest mistake was with his pick for second-in-command. With MRSA running rampant, McCain likely wouldn’t survive more than a few trips to the hospital. That would have left Palin in charge. That’s almost as scary as the knowledge that Hillary is now fourth in line for the seat. McCain probably should have chosen Charlie Crist as his running mate. With his fetish for overusing the tanning booths, old Chuck could have given Obama a run for the black vote.

Thinking About Distributing the Wealth

So, the Government is devising careful plans for handing out more money to save the economy. I guess they’re thinking that they’re passing the bucks to all the right people.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking, instead of throwing around mega-dollars to fix the economy, the government should take a lesson from Robin Hood and hijack some money from the irresponsible rich. It should be easy, as the rich are so rich they can afford to be incredibly stupid with their money. They’re the reason Ponzi schemes and other types of investment scams were invented. Because they work. And if someone is going to bilk rich Americans out of their money, it should be the American government.

I’m also thinking that the government money should just go directly to poor people. Especially now, as so much of us are, helping us would give a certain political administration approval ratings to beat the band. And there will be no hoarding the money for us. We will spend every cent we get, like every paycheck we’ve ever had, dutifully injecting all that lovely money right back into the economy.

But most of all I’m thinking that Barack Obama has already stumbled into a brilliant plan to fill the Treasury’s coffers into the next century. But guilting his cabinet nominees into ponying up their past due IRS payments is only a small step in the right direction. We should investigate all the politicians. I have a sneaky suspicion that the Democrats alone could have America out of hock by mid-April.