Thinking About Voting

So, today I was reading again about the postponement of the Colombia trade vote. Nancy Pelosi proposed a rule to extend the amount of time required to vote on it, and so we know what the House Speaker thinks.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that with the time (and, of course, our money) that she spent to rush her rule proposal through, the House could just conduct the vote on the Colombia bill. One reason may simply be that she and possibly the entire Democratic party may have forgotten that they can vote no (nay, rather). Or are they just scared that making any decisions could offend some voters before the election? Don’t worry. We’re already offended.

I’m thinking that answering legislation with new legislation so that you don’t have to answer the prior legislation is like the mostly infuriating Jewish tactic of always answering a question with another question. This is undoubtedly the main reason why the Gaza talks continue to go unresolved.

I’m also thinking that by avoiding voting, the Democrats have neatly figured out how to fix their flawed recount strategy.

But most of all I’m thinking, is any of this going to affect the price of cocaine?

Thinking About Dear Abby

So, I read where Dear Abby had printed reader responses to what they think are society’s greatest problems.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that one of our big problems is our blind trust in the phrase “common sense”. You don’t have to hang out with people very long to know that what’s really common is the lacking thereof. So, to avoid continual disappointment, the phrase should be updated to “rare sense” or “uncommon non-nonsense”. It should even be a required course in school, but I doubt we’d be able to find enough people qualified to teach it.

I’m thinking another of our biggest problems is that we are no longer holding such a high standard in the Golden Rule department. Countless examples of our doing unto others is showing that apparently we would desire having some very rotten things done unto us. We must think we deserve this unkind treatment, or we haven’t consciously realized we’re just beginning to enjoy it. So the problem is either that we’ve got esteem issues or we’ve turned into a bunch of closet masochists.

Also, I’m thinking there’s a huge societal problem relating to human physiology. Being angered causes adrenaline to flow through your body. This gives you lots and lots of energy to act on all of your bad moods. So go ahead and blame God. Or evolution. You now have a choice.

But I’m thinking that the absolute biggest problem of society is people spending too much time reading blogs posted by some of the stupidest people in the world. But there I incriminate myself. Masochistic tendencies or just low self-esteem?

Thinking About My Fear of Flying

So, I see that people are up in arms about the recent rash of passenger flight delays. I guess they’re thinking that they have nothing better to worry about when traveling by plane.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking how can people be so confident that there’s nothing in the air they’re flying through? I’m always seeing announcements about amazing new discoveries, so there’s certainly plenty more to find. Your plane could hit any number of these things not yet realized, like maybe a floating invisible island chain, castles in the sky, or, perhaps, even a dragon. Or it could run into a more common danger like some idiot on your block building a really tall addition, putting up a gigantic flagpole or installing towering works of lawn art without the necessary permits. I’m also always seeing amazing announcements about these events.

I’m thinking it scares me that planes are always just flying willy-nilly into clouds. Big thick banks of clouds, where anything could be hiding. Clouds can camouflage kamikaze flocks of birds, intent on taking back their turf, choosing death by turbine for the cause. They can hide loitering space junk, or you might even smash right into a UFO. A cloud disguise is excellent as a two-for-one, because as the aliens reach earth, voila, they’re now surrounded by fog. Extraterrestrials would simply disguise themselves as airplanes, but news travels slowly through space and so they think the air-traffic controllers are still on strike.

And I’m thinking that it’s a big gamble to trust your fellow travelers to turn off their electronic devices because when it comes to video games, some teenagers and most husbands will ignore even final requests. As your plane is spinning out of control, frantic passengers are shouting out Nintendo shortcuts to get Mario to level 8 before there’s an ocean landing. You finally think you’re safe, but as the altitude of your aircraft is still rapidly dropping you hear a chorus of voices helplessly wailing, “But Windows is still shutting down.”

But mostly I’m thinking that it was the earliest doubters of flight who had it right. They were the ones who passed down the saying “If God had wanted us to fly, He’d have given us wings.” We don’t heed this wisdom at all, even though it’s patently obvious that the message came directly from God. Why? He’s protecting Heaven from us, of course. I’d really hate to be in a plane crash because we just nicked one of the Pearly Gates. Or winged an angel. Or that we’re all going to hell because the pilot has just splattered Jesus like a bug on the windshield.

Thinking About Getting a Long Little Doggie

So, I wanted my own dogs to have grandchildren for me, but, alas, Florida is going as California went and another freedom is gone. Now, the City of South Daytona is adopting L.A.’s mandatory spay and neuter law for six-month old dogs and cats. Pet overpopulation has long been in crisis and you now know what the rest of the country may soon be thinking.

But here’s what I’m thinking.

I’m thinking they’re only giving you six months to take care of this? It takes me longer than that to get around to vacuuming. Or laundry. Once, showering.

I’m thinking, what about freedom of choice? In case of accidents, insufficient access to birth-control information, or if we know we won’t be able to take care of our puppies, we should be able to take our bitches to the local abortionist. Just like we do with our teenagers.

I’m also thinking that if the states would take a peep into their penal system, they’d find a wealth of bored detainees who’d more than happily euthanize these small animals. For free. Without any equipment even. Just like when they were little kids. And for future reference, they’d probably take care of the old and infirm, too, in case those laws are already in the planning stages.

And I’m thinking that instead of complaining about the cost of unwanted pets, America’s coastal states are in prime position to take a bite out of the Asian trade deficit by exporting what’s now Chinese food. Finally, we’ve been given our own shot at cornering a foreign market of all-you-can-eat buffets.

Thinking About Licking

So, I just saw that commercial again about returning licked-clean yogurt tops so the company will contribute to curing breast cancer. That sales campaign has been on forever so I guess I know what Yoplait thinks.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking why all the complexity? Why not just donate money based on sales? I’m thinking they’re in cahoots with the envelope industry and the Postal Service. I’m thinking they’re making money on the side reselling our return addresses to mass-marketers. By now they should be able to buy us all new breasts. Soon they’ll have to. A few more breast-crunching mammograms and mine will be roughly in the shape of a Ziploc baggie.

I’m thinking this is so gross. The worst job ever has to be opening those envelopes to count those spit-covered pieces of foil. I’d need hazard pay and at least three layers of latex before I got near the moldy remains of yogurt that were missed by the tongues of thousands of germ-ridden humans. Better yet, they should outsource this job to prisoners needing extra punishment. Making them touch the tops with their bare hands could replace water boarding.

I’m also thinking they should start targeting their ad campaign to men. If anyone should want to save breasts, it’s the men. They don’t even have to eat the yogurt, just what clings to the top. They can pretend they’re licking a boob.

But most of all I’m thinking conspiracy theory. I noticed you never see the ladies washing off the yogurt tops with water. Why specifically the licking? I’m thinking they’re collecting samples of our DNA. You’ll have to figure out who they are and what their evil purpose is for yourself. Because if I told you, well, you know.