Thinking About the Needy

So, with all the new lottery games coming out recently, people are thinking it must be nice to be rich.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that with the latest gas hikes, I’ve become too poor to afford both alcohol and gas. I’m proud to say it has already started to cut way down on my drunk driving. But I am no longer legally allowed to list myself as “Redneck” on Affirmative Action surveys.

I’m thinking that I don’t ever have to worry about accidentally overdosing on medications as I can only afford to fill one prescription at a time. I hardly even have enough pills to get me addicted. Of course, maybe that’s all that’s been holding me back from a career in Hollywood.

I’m thinking that I never have to protect myself from identity theft. My credit rating isn’t even high enough for the high-risk programs. I’m so bad that marketing companies voluntarily add my name to their “Do Not Call” lists.

But most of all I’m thinking that being poor will make it much easier on me when the economy falls completely apart. I’m already acclimated.

Thinking About Illegal Aliens

So, I’m sitting around watching science fiction. Other people spend time thinking about space contact and you know the stuff they usually think.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m not thinking that the aliens aren’t out there. They are. Because if God’s even half as disappointed in this planet as we are, He’s probably had another go at it. Hell, it only takes Him a week. I’m just thinking that they’re not coming. Well, they’re not coming here anyway.

I’m thinking that on those planets having space travel and all, they’d do the research first, long trip like that. But when aliens look us up on their ETravel site, Earth will undoubtedly come with a huge warning sign: The End of the World Is Near (*date to be determined, method debatable). It really just makes good sense for them to avoid us. So they do.

Then I’m thinking there’s got to be a bunch of planets where Eve never did eat that damned apple. That stinkin’ Eve. (Sorry, I can’t let anything go - I’m still bitter about how that Garden of Eden stuff all turned out.) Anyhow, those guys definitely aren’t leaving Paradise. To go anywhere. Ever.

Either way, don’t hold your breath in expectation. If you want a strange visitor at your house, invite an Earthling.

Thinking About Illegitimacy

So, I see where there's a way-past-the-last-minute campaign stopping the same-sex marriage law in California. I guess they're thinking that homosexuality is not something the government should be promoting.

But here's what I'm thinking:

I'm thinking that the evils of homosexuality will always be debatable. Maybe homosexuality has evolved deliberately for the survival of the human race itself. Either to protect us from overpopulation, or to save everyone from dying in the battle of the sexes.

I'm thinking that, since men aren't really suffering in the fields anymore, God's plan may be to extend His Fall of Eden curse of childbirth to the males as well. Many of them are already enjoying being girls, they can now have a shot at enjoying unwed motherhood. And God will not be pleased to find out that those babies all turn out to be bastards, though.

I'm also thinking that, while we have no problem telling youthful military heroes that they aren't responsible enough to even celebrate with champagne, there is just no defense for having to tell the boyfriend of the guy who captures Bin Laden that he'll still never get to be an Army wife.

But most of all I'm thinking that unless religious institutions are inclined to take over all the costs of divorces in this country, marriage remains something the government is stuck overseeing. It's about time the government started taking their share of the blame for homosexuality anyway. It's modern politics that made so many Americans get used to bending over and taking it up the butt in the first place.

Thinking About Marriage

So, I’m reading that Florida is trying to pass a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage even though the state already doesn’t allow it. That double duty by our legislators is taking up a lot of our time and money, so you know the usual things they’re thinking.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking, boohoo, you poor babies, can’t get married (harsh, yes, but you guys stole the rainbow – my favorite decorating scheme - and the word pride – one of the seven deadly sins but a hell of a good slogan word, kudos to your PR people). Anyway, there is a very large population of thirty-something heterosexual women, crying longer, louder and boozier than you, who can’t get married either. You’re already much better off.

I’m also thinking how my prescient ex-husband was always saying that marriage was the leading cause of divorce. You guys have limited experience with this process, so maybe you just need to observe a few days of Family Court. It will have you running from marriage just like straight men. Hey, let’s all just go the other way instead - everybody boycott marriage. Wouldn’t you love to see a divorce lawyer cry?

Also, I’m thinking that you’re mad you’re missing government tax benefits. Well, just do what everyone else does – find a way to cheat them out of it. You may have some rich friends that could advise you in this area. And if you’re sad because you don’t qualify for some social security benefits, don’t worry. There won’t be any benefits soon. For any of us.

Then I’m thinking, marriage is not as great a commitment as signing over Powers of Attorney to a loved one. Gay lawyers should be working their asses off more productively by developing documents specifically for homosexuals in love. Be as detailed as you need, i.e. he has your permission to visit you in the ICU, but only if you’re having a good hair day. Together you can lovingly work out the details of pre-nups, post-nups, living wills, dying wills. It won’t be that much of a hardship for gay couples to produce these forms when they’re needed – just some of you may now have to carry purses. Like the men already do.

But most of all I’m thinking that if same-sex marriages spread too far, a shortage of turkey basters could easily bring about the end of the human race.