Thinking About Wiping Iran Off the Map

So, I’ve been reading about our efforts to avoid war with Iran, even while the country’s leaders are outspokenly hostile against Americans and are speedily beefing up their nuclear capabilities. I guess we’re thinking that declaring war on yet another Middle Eastern country will put a further drain on our poor economy, even while it may get us lower gas prices again.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that wars are usually good things to avoid, but they are generally fought in other countries. Nukes can actually reach me, I mean us, here at home. Although Iran’s nuclear power is supposedly only to provide light to study their Qurans by, you’d think a desert country would opt for more cost-effective solar energy instead. Their excuse is probably that there aren’t any cheap Jews left in Iran who can point out this tremendous bargain to them.

I’m thinking that a lot of Americans, knowing the year-end balances of our dwindling 401K accounts and our latest depressing housing valuations, are probably more suicidal than the Muslims are at this point. We could easily beat them at their own game. We could also distract the extremists away from task by secretly supplying their troops with antidepressants, pot and prostitutes. Their leaders will suddenly become unable to recruit drivers for their explosive-laden vehicles and they sure as hell aren’t going to volunteer themselves.

But most of all, I’m thinking that Iran wants to have nuclear bombs, and, by allowing this, it will enable us to solve two problems with one worldwide launching. Any countries wanting to participate in the ongoing program to reduce their nuclear arsenals can just send them right over to Tehran. With lit fuses.

Thinking About Patriotism

So, one of Barack Obama’s major promises as our new President is to transfer all of the Guantanamo detainees to American prisons. Most people are thinking that he’s taking this action because he believes it’s the humane thing to do.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that bringing the prisoners here is just part of Obama’s plan to create more jobs for veterans in America. Unemployed veterans who were former POWs themselves will know just the right way to treat these captives in their new positions as guards. After all, according to what’s publicly acknowledged by the government, our servicemen haven’t been tortured since before the Korean War.

I’m thinking that the reason for closing the installation may be because of disappointment with some of Guantanamo’s light sentences, the most notorious one being the few months of jail time for bin Laden’s driver. Hell, in American states with “three strikes” measures in place, we have people serving life sentences for crimes such as stealing a bicycle, shoplifting videotapes, and for the heinous theft of pizzas.

I’m also thinking that now that big pharmaceutical has taken over most of the drug crime in the U.S., the President may have worked out a deal with the now underutilized Mafia to take on the prison project. It’s an ideal situation because there would no longer be leaks to the press about prison activities that could embarrass the new administration. The Mafia is one organization that knows how to deal with squealers.

But most of all I’m thinking that they’re closing Guantanamo because the prisoners would suffer more here. Waterboarding may be bad, but being an involuntary playmate for the gang in Cell Block A isn’t exactly a walk in the park. And being forced to consume sandwiches made with off-brand jars of peanut butter can be downright deadly.

Thinking About NASA

So, the Government Accounting Office is disappointed with the performance of Robert Cobb, NASA’s government watchdog. I guess they’re thinking there’s not much hope for turning around this money-sucking agency.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking we should save the money we spend on the federal auditors and contact MENSA for help in solving NASA’s budget issues. I’m sure they’d be happy to offer up a solution. It would give them something more challenging to do other than daily Sudoku puzzles.

I’m also thinking we should utilize our talented NASA engineers to combat Earth’s current food shortage and save millions in foreign aid. If they can figure out how to grow food on spaceships, surely they can figure out how to grow it in Africa.

I’m thinking that if there’s any non-astronauts that really want to get to the moon, let’s go ahead and take them up. Space Shuttle seats can be auctioned off on eBay just as easily as Congressional ones. And of course, NASA will take a lesson from the airline industry and charge for everyone’s first piece of luggage. But don’t complain, space food from a tube still tops what the airlines manage to serve.

I’m thinking they should cut the funding to SpaceX, the private rocket company they’ve contracted with. SpaceX has failed three times to launch already and, as anyone who’s experienced with bottle rockets knows, the next time they try there’s a great chance that, instead of fizzling out, the rocket will simply fall over and travel in a reckless horizontal path through Florida’s residential neighborhoods. NASA certainly doesn’t need to be liable to share in the cost of all the fines they’ll accrue from breaking that many municipal codes at once.

I’m thinking that since India and China are also starting to launch spaceships, we should become the pirates of outer space. It’s a thirty million dollar a year industry in Somalia, a country where half the inhabitants are aid-dependent and a generation of children has grown up with nothing but war. Gee, sounds like us already. And as an added bonus, while in captivity, the Indians can provide technical support services for free and the Chinese can teach us their ancient secret of how to include seafood in an all-you-can-eat buffet and still only charge $9.95.

But most of all I’m thinking the government should give lots more money to AIG. Then the insurance company will be able to rent out the shuttle for their next few retreats and possibly eliminate NASA’s funding problems forever. As long as the space agency remembers to send along an in-house masseuse.

Thinking About Changing Beliefs

So, there have been outcries that Barack Obama has reneged on his policy of change for America. I guess they’re thinking that, now that he’s won, old-school political agendas will just naturally kick in, and we won’t really be seeing any big differences with this administration.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that sooner or later some politico will suggest that the name “White House” be changed for political correctness purposes. Or campaign to have the outside re-painted, adding plenty of chocolate trimwork.

I’m thinking Barack Obama will probably be the first President spotted sporting a bulletproof do-rag. Knock-offs may be risky in their ability to prevent the kind of firearm damage Mr. Obama may attract, but I predict they will still enjoy a strong secondary market in neighborhoods prone to drive-bys.

But most of all, I’m thinking that I wouldn’t be surprised if this inauguration we’ll be hearing “Hail to the Chief” set to a hip-hop beat for the first time. There may even be plans for a gangsta-themed inaugural ball.