Thinking About the Second Coming

So, I see where many religions believe that Jesus will be coming back to Earth. I guess they’re thinking that things would go better for Him this time around.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that no one would ever believe Mary was a virgin. Even if it could be proven, they would speculate that she had simply gone to France for the re-virginization technique. You know, the one designed to fool Islamic fiancees. If she persisted with her story, Jesus would wind up the property of our Social Services system and Mary would need a team of lawyers to escape permanent housing in the loony bin.

I’m also thinking that rumors would run rampant about Joseph’s role in all of this. So much so that social workers would probably force Mary to sue for child support. She’d win, of course. You’d have to figure that, in a test where half the DNA comes from God, the results would be inconclusive at best. Of course, Jesus would never recover from his resentment of having to trade down.

I’m thinking that Jesus woud have had a hard time in school. Mary and Joe would be called constantly to the school’s administrative office, until, finally, Jesus would be thrown out permanently because of the zero tolerance policy on the Bible. The excuse that Jesus had brought his Father’s book in for show-and-tell would not be given any due consideration.

I’m thinking that Jesus would have been much too busy in his twenties to preach, what with the frequent trips to the therapist. The guilt of a Jewish mother is always a hard thing to shake off. It would be even harder for Jesus, because there is no Him for Him. If Mary doesn’t succeed in nagging him to death about her lack of grandchildren, He’d probably just kill Himself anyway the day she tells him she’d love him just as much if he were gay.

But most of all, I’m thinking Jesus would have been a social loser in the modern world. He would have had to invite fifty people to His seder, just to get those twelve to attend. The women would be no-shows, as usual. When men reach their thirties without a first marriage under their belt, we know there’s a reason why, but don’t care enough to find out. And the guys who show up for His Last Supper would be ones He knew from an online chess club. In the dinner party’s group picture, they would undoubtedly be dressed as Klingons or one of their favorite superheroes. Or Cher.

Thinking About Secession

So, I hear that Rich Moyle, Commissioner of North Lauderdale, is proposing to divide Florida into two separate states. Secession is not an ideal opening gambit for solving political problems, but the City of Margate is the next to take up the issue, so you never know what these city politicians are thinking.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that Rich Moyle is absolutely right about the fact that we should be upset with the way money is being spent in this state. Right now, I’m very upset that one of our politicians has spent Florida taxpayer money by sending out 306 packets of a resolution that the author, Rich Moyle, admits is doomed to failure. Of course, he can always be proud of the money he saved by narrowly beating the deadline for the postal rate increase.

I’m thinking that one fact really stands out for me and it is this. The only part of the plan that has been thought about in any detail is the description of the proposed dividing line for the state. It leads me to believe that this line may possibly be a geological path of least resistance where their new state of South Florida can be chopped right off the continental shelf. Besides creating more oceanfront property, if they can tow their chunk more than three miles off the coast they’ve got an enormously lucrative floating casino. Also, they’ll be portable enough so when they get mad at the way the Federal Government is spending their money, they can just pack it all up and tugboat it elsewhere down the sea lane.

But most of all I’m thinking that if the state splits up, Democrats will have finally solved the problem of how to get the Florida delegates back into the Democratic National Convention and, at the same time, can satisfy their apparently never-ending lust for a voting do-over.

Thinking About the Race

So, I see that Republicans don’t think that Barack Obama can live up to his campaign promises if elected as the first black President. Hypocritical, always, but they do let you know what they’re thinking, at least at that moment.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking he really could improve racial unity, because he is so racially ambiguous. His middle name is Hussein – you can’t tell me that that’s the Ebonic spelling of Leroy. He studied the Constitution, which, as you know, is only done by green-card carrying Hispanics. He looks less like he’s from the hood than he does like Richie Cunningham sporting a summer tan from Miami. If this is the kind of black guy that makes Kentuckians nervous, Daniel Boone is rolling in his grave. Also, Obama says he’s helping the poor by giving tax breaks to the middle class. That’s WASP talk to me - has anyone tested his proficiency in Izzle yet? And as for having a racially-bred predisposition for athletics, did you see him at the bowling alley? Also, the only time I saw him grab his crotch was that shot of him when the National Anthem was playing, but even that wasn’t a “black” thing. Maybe he was hiding an overt response in a sensitive area brought on at the time by a rush of patriotism or by a daydream of whipping Hillary in a more literal manner with his less-literal whip. Maybe he was hiding an embarrassing pee spot caused by having to rush away from the urinals before the press could count his number of shakes or before another politician could offer him sex for a twenty. I’m just bothered that he didn’t have his hands farther down his thighs. If he wins, I’m going to use the Freedom of Information Act to learn the real truth about black men.

I’m also thinking that Obama will certainly be able to find the funding to pay for his reform programs. He’s probably already looking into how much he could get for offering up Texas as the new Palestinian state. Arabs don’t landscape their yards, they pick their own olives and they’re always up for a little border skirmish, so they’ll gladly include helping us solve some of our immigration problems in the deal. He could also get a lot of funding from Muslim extremists by offering them vacation packages here. Where else better for them to relax than in a land where you can complain freely about how much you hate America and Jews and meet others who do also? And if those plans don’t work out, he can post America on eBay. They do real estate transactions now.

But most of all I’m thinking that Obama should have no problem bringing both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to a speedy conclusion. Why not? After all, as the stereotypical black man in a white man’s world, his motto must be if you can’t beat them, join them.

Thinking About McCain

So, I see the latest statistics show that the 2008 Presidential candidates have the country evenly divided. This means that, even though John McCain’s next campaign policy idea could easily be for greater measures in tracking down the latest pair of successful suicide bombers, half the country may still vote Republican.

But here’s what I’m thinking:

I’m thinking that most of his policies have tended to cancel each other out. Here’s just one example: Although he promises to save Social Security from its impending depletion by retiring Baby Boomers, he will create another Baby Boom by offering to double the tax deduction on dependent children. McCain should really be investigating to see if his advisors are possibly registered as Democrats. Or checking to see if his staff’s pension funds are being deposited through the Democratic National Committee.

I’m thinking that McCain’s statement about Arizona mothers not telling their children they can grow up to be President may be designed to foreshadow the basis of his exit strategy. Apparently, since the Democrats have stolen “recount” as their face-saving motto, John will be relying on the time-tested “It’s always the mother’s fault”. And, based on the groundwork already laid by her Mitt Romney performance on CNN last year, we’ll have no problems believing it.

I’m also thinking of his fondness for quoting that, “It’s always darkest before it goes completely black”. I’m not sure if he means that as the exit phrase he’ll be using when he loses to a black man or if it means that to fund his hundred year’s war, we’ll have to go without electricity. Maybe that’s why he feels the need to spend $300M to develop a better battery.

I’m thinking that I don’t know what the politically correct phrase is to describe what I feel when I hear about McCain’s policies. You may know it, it’s the same word we use to describe what we think about President Bush when we’re trying to avoid using the word retarded.

But, most of all I’m thinking that Senator McCain is very fortunate that a group of foresighted Republicans still own The New Yorker.